less of me?

Last night was my last meeting as Worthy Matron. It went very well; ritual work done well is always impressive to me. I grew up in the Masonic tradition. You can read all the books you want, but until you actually do the work, you don't get it.

People kept coming up to me last night and commenting that I have lost weight. Yes -- that's true. I don't know how much -- frankly, I don't own a scale. But I've dropped at least two dress sizes. This is because of my new asthma meds (Xolair) keeping me off Prednisone for over two years and my metabolism finally returning to somewhat normal. I also think being a veggie has something to do with it, too. As a kid, I couldn't gain weight if I tried. But anyway, I'm having a bit of a hard time with all of these compliments. Smiling and saying, "thank you" doesn't seem to make it go away. Guess I have to just take it.

The Tyranny of the Well

From all outward appearances, my cat looks normal, albeit fat. He has all the parts (minus the reproductive ones) a cat should have. But if you hang out with him for a couple of days, you realize that many of his parts just don't work right. He can't hear well, and he can't see the starlings eating out of his food dish right in front of him. He even forgets where his food dish is pretty regularly. But he's a sweet cat, just the same, and he has a home on my porch as long as he wants it.

When I was most severely into my asthma, you really couldn't tell unless I was laying in a hospital room with IV's stuck in me. I was really good at covering – I could even fool doctors if I wanted to. Asthma is a silent disability. I inwardly giggle when normal people with colds complain they can't breathe – I don't usually use those terms until my lips are blue and my O2 sats are down in the 80s. Normal people don't often realize what it is like to have your windpipe choked off like a kid with a garden hose, or have your lung collapse with a mucous plug. They have no context. They think runny nose, I think ropes around chest tightening like a medieval torture device.

I had a Clinical Supervisor once when I was still a practicing psych that believed all illness was driven by the mind. She was never sick. I used all my sick time. Now, asthma does have two types (and you can have both): intrinsic and extrinsic. Intrinsic is triggered by inner stressors like exercise or anxiety. This is the stereotypical type you see portrayed in Hollywood films like The Goonies (I hate that film!). The other is more common, triggered by outer stressors like allergies, temperature, smoke or particulate matter in the air. The most extreme form of extrinsic asthma is atopic asthma – where you're allergic to so many things your body is in a constant state of reaction and your lungs are chronically inflamed. That's me. This lady dropped hints everywhere that I needed to take care of my mental problems and get well. She was passive/aggressive about it and never really came out and said it to my face......
.....Until she got the flu. She was down for three weeks. Thought she was going to die. She came back a changed woman. She apologized for judging me. She thought she had experienced what asthma was all about (probably not even close because she didn't end up in the hospital), but I didn't disabuse her of the notion.

A lot of people who were born with the gift of good health are like that. They lack the context to begin to understand chronically ill people, any why we don't get off our butts and get well. It's like everyone could be cured if they'd eat right and exercise. Oh, and while you're at it, quit draining the economy with Medicaid and running up their insurance.

I'll bet they would'nt even help my cat find his food dish.