May. 4th, 2007

Apologies

May. 4th, 2007 03:14 pm
lurkitty: (cute anime)
I apologized twice today.

I know I can be stubborn. I know that if I think I am right, I can dig my heels in and be recalcitrant. If I want to make a point, I'll go after it doggedly, and sometimes I say things that might hurt.

There are many times when I write a response to someone, rework it two or three times, then delete it as too confrontative. It's like you get all or nothing from me - very little middle ground.

I grew up in a situation where one parent doted on me and my intelligence, and the other ignored me completely. This does not excuse my behavior, but explains why I tend to be so stubborn. It also explains why I can't stand to be ignored. It takes a lot of effort for me to speak out. All the way through elementary school, my report cards said, "Is too quiet. Needs to speak up." I took debate in high school, and though I was pretty bad at it, I did learn a few things about persuasion. It helped me to speak up more.

After that, I lived with a man for 26 years who could not ever be wrong. I stopped arguing with him at all, even when I knew I was correct. For reference, I wasn't the only one. Most of our friends would never argue with him, and said as much to me. He could get pretty mean.

The two apologies I made were important to me. I apologized to someone with whom I had an argument that got very heated. I felt hurt by what was said to me, and I struck back. The pattern felt like what I had endured in my marriage. I fell into it quickly.

The other apology was one I made to my ex. I know I said things that weren't nice. I told him I was sorry that I said things that were hurtful. HIs response was that we both did (he prides himself on never apologizing. That is as close as it has ever gotten).

So, to any of you I have offended, I do offer my humblest apologies, and will endeavor to do better in the future.

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lurkitty

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